Breast Feeding: My Experience

I have had the feeling for awhile that I need to write down my experience with breastfeeding my daughter Boston, if for no other reason than to remind myself later about it.


I will be honest as I  was writing this it made me angry, and it made me want to go back in time and tell myself to stand up for what I wanted.

To start out with our experience was rocky. Boston was sick and I had had a C-section so I was in recovery and I wasn't able to see her until hours after she was born. By the time I was able to go see her the nurses had given her a bottle, like I said she was sick so they had to get fluids in her, I honestly believe that those first few hours made a huge difference in the rest of our experience together. When I was finally able to try breastfeeding her the nurses only let me try for about 10 minutes at which point they insisted that I give Boston a bottle of formula and try pumping instead, I knew my milk wasn't in yet because it can take 3-5 days for that to happen and so I thought that pumping would help. It didn't. I know now that if I had tried to nurse longer that would have been better but I can't change that now. So I pumped and then again when Boston was hungry I tried to nurse and was told after 10 minutes to try pumping again the pumping did nothing. (I pumped for 45 minutes each time). When the third feeding that day came around we had received a new nurse and she was much nicer. She gave me a nipple shield and had me do a Supplemental Nursing System commonly referred to as SNS. I was happy to try this because Boston was going to get the fluid she needed and then Lear now to nurse as well. I thought that is would be a compromise that would make everyone happy, unfortunately for me it did nothing. Boston did learn to nurse but because she was getting full on the formula she never really stimulated my let down. I did continue to do this until my milk finally came in on day 3! At this point I was so tired and frustrated, but I did know that I wanted to nurse and I no longer wanted to give Boston any formula or bottles or SNS nothing! I just wanted to nurse. So when I told my mom that she said I should tell my nurses and they would help me. I was too afraid because Boston's Doctor at the time and the nurse we had the most often treated me as though I was a bad mom for not wanting to give Boston any formula. So I said nothing, but my mom being who she is told the nurse that I wanted to breastfeed Boston and I didn't want to give her any more bottles. So the nurse that night wrote that down and told the doctor in the morning, at which point I was given a lecture about how I didn't have enough milk for Boston to do that and that if I chose to do that she would get more sick basically he told me that I was a horrible mother for even considering it. I was so upset that I just continued with the SNS and tried my best to just make it through until she got to go home. After a week in the hospital it was finally time to go home. Boston was doing great! I was so ready to go home. I was hoping that by being home I would be able to nurse her and not have to worry about all everything else that was going on.

For the first few days Boston was eating all the time, she was eating a lot more often than all the books I had read said she should be and that honestly should have been my first clue, and that it didn't hurt as much as everyone said it would should have been my second clue that something was wrong but I was a new mom and I knew she was getting milk because she always had milk on her face when she was done eating. So I continued to nurse thinking everything was great until her 4 month appointment when she hadn't gained any weight, and her doctor made us come back for weight checks all the time. It was all stressing me out. Once again I received a lecture about how I wasn't taking care of Boston and that I should just give up and give her formula. I really didn't want to do that so I would nurse her and then pump and give her that bottle just so we could see how much she was really getting. Also at 4 months she started solid which helped tremendously with the weight gain. Soon after that Boston wouldn't nurse at all, she would scream and scream when I would try and only wanted a bottle so I started just pumping and slowly but surely my milk supply was going down so we would add formula to make it fatter and to supplement what she wasn't getting. This was one of the hardest parts for me. I would cry all the time about wanting to be able to feed my baby, that was the one thing that I wanted to do for her. I felt like an awful mom and my poor Devin would see how stressed out and upset I was and knew there was nothing he could do to help me. During all of this I tried everything that they said to do to increase milk supply I got supplements, I drank AWFUL tea, I made lactation cookies, I drank more water, I power pumped. I literally tried it all. Nothing seemed to be helping so after many tears day in and day out about how I couldn't feed my daughter and how her doctor was treating my like I was a horrible mom I decided to switch pediatricians and see if someone else could help me. Her 6 month appointment was with a new doctor, and he was marvelous. He listened to my concerns and gave me advice but the best part was that not once did he look at me like I was a child or a bad mother he helped me figure out what was best for both me and Boston. When I left that appointment I decide that I would continue to nurse her as often as she would let me and give her bottle the rest of the time. As she got older she decided that she wanted a bottle and by this point I had come to terms with that so I would just pump and give her milk with formula mixed in.

When she was 7 months old we went on a trip to Seattle to see my sister Stephanie (sister-in-law) and her adorable little girls. While I was there I was talking to my Steph about the whole dilemma (by this point my milk had gone away almost completely and Boston was mostly getting formula), Stephanie was the one who convinced me that I wasn't a bad mom if I decided to just give Boston formula. She pointed out that if I wasn't making enough milk that it would be better if I just gave her formula and that I would be so much more happy if I just switched her over, so I did. That night Steph and I went to the store and got the right sized nipple for Boston's age and a bigger bottle that held more ounces of formula. The next day I just gave Boston formula and that is what I have done since then. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make but I am glad I did it. Boston is beautiful and healthy and I don't love her any less than I would if I had been able to nurse.

I am so grateful for my WONDERFUL sister. I am so glad that I made the decision to change pediatricians. I am grateful for the fact that I am able to give Boston formula to help her grow since I wasn't able to produce enough of my own milk. I am so glad I have a husband that supported me through it all and let me decide what was best for me. I am grateful for the experience I had, even though it was hard.

I will definitely do it again. Someday when we have another one I will still try to breastfeed, I will just stand up for myself more and I will do whatever I have to, to make sure that the baby is healthy even if that means bottle feeding.

The Wallet

Boston loves to get into my wallet and take all the cards out. I have tried to hide the wallet from her but if she sees it for even a second she will crawl like a mad woman over to it and take everything out. Needless to say I don't want her to lose something in there or rip something. You never know what a crazy baby can do. So the other day I got out an old wallet and I filled it with the cards that you slowly collect in your wallet but don't actually ever need and I gave them to her. It was the best thing for her. She spent an hour playing with the cards and making a mess. :)

Catch up!

Wow It has been a very long time since we have updated our family blog! We have lots going on,. Boston is 9 months old and keeps me EXTREMELY busy! She is into anything and everything that she can get her hands on. We absolutely love it!

Devin got a 4.0 this semester and I couldn't be more proud. Though it seems like the hoops that he has to jump through are never ending. He is very excited to slowly but surely getting closer and closer to his degree! Only 2 Years left if we planned it right.

We recently moved to a new apartment on campus and we love it! It is so nice to have neighbors that are our age. We have already met a few and they are wonderful. The ward here is also very welcoming and we are really enjoying that as well.

I am starting a CNA class in July and I am looking forward to that but I am nervous as well. Luckily we have family near by and Amanda (who Boston LOVES)  will be able to watch Boston while I am at my class until Daddy can come pick her up.

We are planning a Tanner family camping trip to Yellowstone in July as well. Hopefully I will remember to post something about that.


Life is busy as can be but we love it that way!

More stories on the way!